I get asked this a lot—
And I used to answer: “if the two of you “click” when it comes to conversation.”
Today my no. 1 criteria is: If you like how he handles conflict and offense, then he’s the one. Nothing makes you experience the REALITY of the marriage vow more than a major conflict.
A friend of mine has been married for 8 years. Before marriage, my friend (the wife) noticed her boyfriend (the husband) didn’t like to talk about anything negative.
They never really discuss their deep issues. Until today, the wife longs to talk about their problems, while the husband prefers not to think about it (“hayaan mo na kasi”).
Of course they still love each other, but they don’t agree with the way the other person handles conflict. This has lessened the “spark” in their relationship. 🙁
It’s the opposite for me and confrontational Richard. I don’t like talking about issues. Before marriage, I had to ask myself if I really wanted to spend my life with a person who likes debate. I hate conflict so much I’d rather put up a wall rather than solve it, haha!
Richard would not stop discussing until we were both emotionally ok. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he would keep me on the phone (even if I didn’t want to!), forcing us to fix the issue, until the “smile” returned to our voices.
Today, Richard refuses to go to sleep when we are mad at each other. I remember one fight was so long, it was only resolved by 7am the next morning! But what followed was the most peaceful sleep, cuddled in each others arms.
I don’t always like Richard’s tone of voice during confrontation. There is room for improvement, yes. But I LOVE his overall attitude when it comes to conflict. With each fight, we see our good and (especially) bad qualities more clearly than in happier times.
Conflict/difficulties/offenses show what’s TRULY in a person’s heart.
Are they forgiving? Easily give up? Nagtatanim ng sama ng loob? In denial? Patient? Open to correction? Do they shout or give silent treatment?
Can you live with the way they handle conflict, for the rest of your lives?
How will you know if he/she is THE ONE?
Your next big fight will tell you more than 100 happy dates, believe me.:)
, November 20, 2017