Why Do I Say I’m OK When I’m NOT?!January 10, 2017
I understand that this blog may not apply to everyone…
Last week I shared Richard’s no.1 complaint against me: Why do I say I’m OK, when really I’m not?!
Bakit nga ba???
Because I’m SCARED of how the truth will be accepted. If I say what’s really on my mind, I may not get the response that I want. I believed this fear justified what I was doing. My life was more “peaceful” that way.
But now I realize it causes short-term “peace,” but long-term bitterness (sama ng loob).
I remember a certain week where Richard committed a number of small offenses against me. He did not know he hurt me. But I said nothing. I tried to make myself believe that the offenses were so “small” anyway. Bringing them up would probably cause a big fight, right?
But these “small” things were building in my heart. By the end of the week, I was irritable. And his next small mistake made me very angry.
Unconsciously, I was coming from a place of piled up offenses that made his small mistake feel huge. This resulted in a big fight (that I “tried” to avoid in the first place!!!).
We had to dig deep to uncover the “small” offenses that I never called out. It was an emotionally draining process to remember them ALL. As he apologized for each (and every) one, I felt lighter. Until no more bitterness (sama ng loob) was left.
Richard, however, felt a bit betrayed and I could not blame him. I assumed (“Dapat alam niya yun diba?!”) he knew he offended me. But he is not a mind-reader. He wished I had told him my offenses as soon as I felt them. BY KEEPING QUIET, I TOOK AWAY OUR CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
I felt guilty for letting it all pile up like that. “Small nothings” are tricky. They grow slowly, quietly, and start to mess negatively with my emotions.
My “peaceful” way turned me into an emotional TIME BOMB, and this was only after a week of being silent! I imagine how difficult it would be for us to work through the web of offenses if I continued even longer.
(Richard and I have spoken to couples whose web of offenses have gotten so complicated that it’s hard to find the root/source of it all. Couples like these need a lot of time and effort to work things through. If you’re in a new relationship, please don’t let things pile up!)
At work we don’t need to share all our thoughts and emotions. But we were taught that our home should be different. It’s easy to be real with the good things, but its just as important to be real with the bad (offenses, etc.).
After 3 years of practice I truly enjoy being a little more honest, and Richard doesn’t have to always guess why I’m in a bad mood. Offenses become easier (and faster!) to fix. Respectful honesty everyday, keeps the timebomb away.
Are you like me: Choosing not to tell your loved one the truth, only to have negativity build in your heart?
Can you think of ways you can work with your loved one to make your home feel more safe for everyone to be real?
Have a happy week!